Job or Family

Today my job came before my family and I feel horrible about it.  Today, I was on the phone with a doctor who I'd been paging for 30 minutes regarding a patient of his and of course, he calls me back when I'm about to leave to pick up Miss Maddy.  I sat down to talk to him and totally forgot about the time.  It was 6pm when he was done talking to me and that is what time I'm supposed to be there to pick up Maddy.  Daycare closes at,  you guessed it, 6 pm.  I ran out the door not even finishing what I needed to and started calling daycare.  Nobody was answering.  The phone just kept going to voicemail.  I made it there in 10 minutes and they said they had the phone with them the entire time.  Thankfully the teacher wasn't upset that I was late.  She kept telling me she was just glad I was safe because if anyone would call when they were running late it would be me.  Maddy has been going there for three years and I've NEVER been late. She was afraid I had gotten into an accident or something.  What doesn't make sense is.. why didn't she call me?  They have my number.  Maybe they wait 30 minutes before calling.. who knows.  Needless to say, I hate it when Maddy is the last one there and I really hated it tonight that not only was she the last one there but she new that I was late and was beginning to wonder if I was coming to get her.  :-(  She knows her Daddy is in Africa right now so he wouldn't come to get her.  She was a little worried.  Not something I ever want my children to ever worry about... whether I will be there for them.

Today was pure madness at work.  I did not accomplish one single thing I had on my agenda to accomplish.  I have surveyors coming any week now and I'm not ready.  I keep trying to be prepared but all the mayhem keeps getting in the way.  I don't have time to work on this stuff at home.  I'm at work at minimum 10 hours/day and I'm not going out for lunches.  Still... I don't have time.  Right now I am both mom and dad at home.  I can't spend my days at work and my nights doing work. I have a household to run to.  I already have enough trouble keeping up with paying bills.  I've almost got all of them being withdrawn automatically and that thought is kinda scary. (mostly because I don't have time to really manage my account the way I should be)  I suck at keeping house because I'm lucky to have the energy to do the dishes or wash a load a clothes.  Somewhere in my evening I'm also supposed to find time for myself.  Kind of like what I'm doing now just because I decided I was going to.  Maddy is not happy I'm sitting at the computer.  I know she has asked me at least 10 times if not more if she can have her snack, can she watch a movie, would I come sit with her, what am I doing etc.    Everything is just sucking the life out of me. :-(

Wow, this is a really whiny post!  Of course, I don't have anywhere else to whine so I might as well just put it all out in cyberspace where I can just leave it there!

There are so many issues I can't even send them all to cyberspace right now.  Maybe that's why I've stopped posting.  I don't have anything nice to say so why say anything at all?  Except for today of course.  I need to just get some of it off my chest.  I have situations  I feel stuck in.  I can't really explain it in detail but I can't get out and I'm literally stuck.  It's a horrible feeling at times and at other times, I'm just numb.  I don't have anywhere to turn to talk about it. I don't want gossip going around.  I don't want friends/family to feel or think differently.  I'm stuck!